Spring, a time of renewal and growth. It’s about new beginnings and rejuvenation. As I’ve gotten older, I look to nature to sync up my natural rhythm. I stopped caring about climbing the corporate ladder and the never ending “go go go.” I change with the seasons and it’s set me up for a stable, full life.

In summer, I ramp up. I garden, exercise, and become much more social. There’s graduations, weddings, and cook outs. I take it all in and breathe deeply. I’m more positive and productive. I savor the beauty of the never setting sun, fresh fruit, full trees, and gorgeous blooms. I don’t need as much sleep and feel naturally light.

In fall, I’m thankful. I start to slow my roll. I take in the last moments of the glowing leaves, shining bright oranges, deep reds, and soft yellows. I love the chunky sweaters and warm apple cider. I get excited about spooky decorations and the cheerful kids wanting to collect as much candy as possible. I think deeply about what I want to let go and what I need to heal as the year wraps up.

It sounds easy, but changing mental states can feel scary. It’s hard not operating the same everyday, but I know the burn out feels worse. The last few years of letting go of perfection and over-performing have been humbling to say the least. I feel judgment from the majority of people who don’t seem to subscribe to seasonal adjustments. But when I let go of perceptions and look to nature, I feel whole and on track.

This year hit differently though. I was hit with two major medical setbacks. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that prevents me from being in the scorching sun and I suffered a severe foot injury that involved surgery and six months of rehab, four of which were couch bound. It was horrific. I’m still not back to my pre-injury self. I don’t know if I ever will be either.

I’m ready for my springtime renewal. I want to start seeds and mow the newly green grass. I want to hike with my dog in the spring air and feel fullness. I want to set new goals and start working towards them…but I can’t. I’m not physically able. It’s left me scared and confused. I still feel like I’m in the dead of winter.

I thought I would be better by now. I thought I would be so much further than I am. I worry that I’m never going to get my stamina back. I feel lost and out of tune. This is the first time my body isn’t changing with the natural seasons and I don’t know what to do about it. I look to the trees and flowers and feel bitterness. I’m jealous of their effortless, natural transformation. I long for easy growth and seamless transitions, but they’re not coming.

I wish I could say that I choose positivity and hope, but most days negative feelings wash over me. I want to hide and stay in the darkness. I feel unsettled with the longer days and changing into pajamas at 5pm still. I see my neighborhood coming alive again. Kids play basketball and ride bikes, and all I feel is fury. I can’t believe I took my physical health for granted. Being able-bodied my entire life, I didn’t know the struggles people with disabilities go through. It’s so much harder to live and it’s as if no one else lays witness to it. It’s an internal struggle that I have to face alone.

I pray that I can have the fortitude to keep moving forward. I hope my attitude adjusts with the changing season. I want my jealously to wane. Until then, I will continue to sit in the darkness and respect myself as I am today. I might not be blooming, but I will be one day. This might be a year of winter and I’m going to have to let that be okay. I know I can’t be the only one going through this. Instead of looking to nature for camaraderie, maybe it’s time to look towards other humans who are also experiencing a long winter.

Can you relate?